But we’re not there for the heartache and heart break. We’re not there for the almost successes or the rejections or the nos or the try agains or the…and the list goes on.

After listening to Marvin Sapp’s “Never Would Have Made It,” I thought about my life in 2009. This time last year, I was in a major rut and so unsure what to do with myself. Well, I “knew” but I didn’t “know.” I KNOW you guys know where I’m coming from. I was planting a lot of seeds, but not seeing a lot of fruit. But I had hope. And I had God.

In the first four months of 2009, four of my five wants have come to pass (with the fifth trying to do its thang), and to me, as I experience this, it definitely feels like OVERNIGHT SUCCESS because one moment I felt down and out, and the next, blessings upon blessings were falling upon me like sweet rain quenching a drought.

But it wasn’t overnight success. Took me years..hell, almost two decades to get here…but I’m blessed to be here.

What I realized is it’s not about overnight success, it’s about how fast our God can move when there is an opening in our life for Him to move IN.

When I finally said (and meant it) “God, I’m done. Take the wheel, please,” He took it and drove me into a beautiful place.

And He can do the same for you…overnight.

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Been playing around with Audacity and this is actually my SECOND mp3 I made.  It’s titled Chocolate Kisses and features a poem I wrote a million years ago integrated with a mix that my SO (significant other) did; he’s muy talented with original and sampled work.

Check it out, and don’t be too harsh, LOL

FYI – kinda sexy! LOL

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I felt the stirring.  Even in the physical pains that attacked me, even in my doubtful moments, even in the times when the last thing I wanted to do was lift my head and CARE about ANYTHING, I felt it.

The stirring.

And it was God.  He had never left me even when I stubbornly wished he would.  He never left me even when I had left myself.

Over the last week or two, happily, I began to hear him again.  For the last two years, he and I had talked openly about everything.  I know people thought I was crazy when sometimes I would go to do something, and I would hear God say, “No, not that, not right now,” and I would nod and whisper, “You’re right.”  They had NO idea who I was talking to.

And I missed it.  Missed the talking to my Father and his guidance in my life.

And I think, even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, he felt that missing, he knew I needed him back, thus he returned.

And he’s returned with a vengeance.

Even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, my small voice, the one that dwells in the pit of my gut, was making plans, trying to structure my life.  There were things she wanted me to handle:  my finances, my health, my relationship with God, my relationship with friends, my relationship with family, my romantic relationship, my career, my writing.  She had these concepts written out, ready for me to be ready to take them on.

And then God returned with a vengeance.

As soon as he stepped back into my life about two weeks ago, my mind began to whirl with these “small voice” concepts, and God said, “So, what are we going to do about these things?”

And even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, God has carved out a small space of peace for my mind to think and begin to evaluate these concepts, make a DECISION about these concepts, and MOVE FORWARD in those decisions about these concepts.

It’s coming slowly, I have a decision made on one concept, working on another, but I know it will come.

What I realized this morning as I finally, after several months of low-level depression, decided to get myself back on the bike and start exercising again and taking care of myself is I am the center of my world – after God.

I AM the mediator to which God uses me to connect with others.

All my life I have worried about others at the detriment to myself.

I’ve watched others prosper while I emotionally ate, shrunk my God-given talents, and talked softly to avoid people seeing I deserved the spotlight, too.

And though I’ve helped many people prosper, I could have helped SO MANY MORE…AND…myself if I had fully embraced me and had taken care of me FIRST so that I was at my optimum level to be of service to people for God.

Today, I plan to start embracing ME more, loving ME more, supporting ME more so that at the end of the day, I am the strong (in faith, health, wealth, love) woman that my Father wants me to be.

If I’m not good to myself, how can I truly be good to others?

If you’re not good to YOURself, how can you truly be good to others?

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Why?

Well, I was inundated with the heaviness of my life.

I’ve been so stressed about finances, about love, about relationships, about family, about friends, about health – about all the uncertainties of life and how they will all play out for me.

And those who know me from MySpace probably notice that I haven’t written a faith-based piece in quite a while either.

For the same reason.

I rang in 09 peacefully – by force, but soon all the heaviness of the world pressed itself upon my shoulders yet again, and that peacefulness was completely shattered.

Even with the hustle and bustle of life, I always managed to go into a new year with goals, with some sort of “This is a new year to do ‘it’ right,” whatever IT was.

This year – nada.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve been stressed by this.  What in the world was I going to strive for?

And then a few days ago, it came to me – I’m going to strive to be better than I was the day before.

I’ve been telling myself that I must stop living in this earthly world, by earthly rules.  January 1st of WHATEVER year does not dictate when goals and resolutions can be set, when I can get myself right.

Every day that I wake up is another new year for me, another year to get “it” right, to be a better person, an effective person in the world I live in.

It’s another year to grow closer to God, to thank Him for the trials that I – and I alone – put myself in, to thank Him for loving me regardless of the stupid things I do or think, and to thank Him for giving me another new year to get “it” right.

Despite all the stress that I’m still under, I am SO incredibly blessed, and even as I sit here in my office, tears in my eyes, wondering if I’ll even HAVE a job at this uni come the fall (another stressor), I know that my Father loves me, I know that I have friends who love me, I know that I have family that loves me, I know there is one who romantically loves me, I know that I have another day, another “year” to get “it” right and get it right in ways that me and my earthly mind can’t even fathom.

I pray that you all have a prosperous day, a prosperous year to get your “IT” achieved.

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On those days that I have breakfast, complete with cheesy scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausages, and french toast, I like what I call my Get Me Goin’ Coffee, which usually consists of Maxwell House’s original blend, some sugar and creamer. It balances out the big breakfast and gives me a bit of energy to make it through my morning.  This coffee I pour into one of my traditional coffee mugs.  There’s no need to be cute, no need to be special.  I admit, I don’t do this one that often because once I splash some H2O on my face, I am UP and READY to go – for the most part.

I’m a busy woman, and as such, I’m always in need of an extra kick to keep me moving. When I’m in need of that kick, I go for the Whole Grown Woman Coffee. This coffee usually consists of the same Maxwell House original blend with a dash of MONIN Dark Chocolate syrup to sweeten up the deal.  This is what I usually drink, and sometimes, it makes the Sexy Coffee category when the stars and planets align, and I make a cup that’s perfect.  Typically, the WGWC is placed in my red ceramic mug (because the red is bold – like me and my whole grown woman self) or it’s placed in one of my many mugs with a lid (because I mean business and coffee mugs with lids are the epitome of business, LOL)

My favorite coffee is Sexy Coffee. When I’m wanting to feel “home grown,” I will pull out the cappuccino maker my sister bought me for Christmas and make my own lattes and espressos and use my cute espresso cups, kinda like the ones below.

However, I usually want the SC when I want to be catered to.  At these times, I head to my fave spot, Books-A-Million and order a grande chocolate-caramel latte, one shot, with whip. It’s so decadent, so sweet, so delish that when I take that first taste, I really should be alone – it’s that X-rated, LOL

I know talking about coffee is not writing-related (though I would argue that every sexy writer deserves an equally sexy cup of coffee!), but today, I went to BAM with my girlfriend and a friend of hers, and we had our sexy lattes, warm fuzzy feelings, and good talk.

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I’m born and raised in Baltimore, MD, but I’ve lived in other places like New York, New Jersey, and Chicago, and since 2001, I’ve lived in Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Needless to say, I have several flavorings in my mouth, LOL

Down here, I’m always told that I sound like I’m from “up North.”

Whereas, when I talk to people “up North,” they tell me, “Yeah, that Southern accent is now in your mouth.”

LOL

Below is my result – it’s pretty on point, I think, just because I realize that I’m adaptable to all my surroundings.  There is a WHOLE lot of Baltimore in me, but every once in a while, you can catch an inflection that screams Chicago and definitely New Jersey, and without a doubt, Louisiana.  Shoot, there have been a few times that I slipped up and said the word “fixin’” instead of “about to.”

I cringed after the fact, but some of their word usage and the moving of the mouth and tongue to say certain words are starting to infiltrate me.

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