Something’s been stirring within me for quite a while.  Was hard to put a name on it because for two months now I’ve been wallowing in this self-pity, in this woest me life, in this where do I go from here, in this what’s my purpose existence.

I felt the stirring.  Even in the physical pains that attacked me, even in my doubtful moments, even in the times when the last thing I wanted to do was lift my head and CARE about ANYTHING, I felt it.

The stirring.

And it was God.  He had never left me even when I stubbornly wished he would.  He never left me even when I had left myself.

Over the last week or two, happily, I began to hear him again.  For the last two years, he and I had talked openly about everything.  I know people thought I was crazy when sometimes I would go to do something, and I would hear God say, “No, not that, not right now,” and I would nod and whisper, “You’re right.”  They had NO idea who I was talking to.

And I missed it.  Missed the talking to my Father and his guidance in my life.

And I think, even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, he felt that missing, he knew I needed him back, thus he returned.

And he’s returned with a vengeance.

Even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, my small voice, the one that dwells in the pit of my gut, was making plans, trying to structure my life.  There were things she wanted me to handle:  my finances, my health, my relationship with God, my relationship with friends, my relationship with family, my romantic relationship, my career, my writing.  She had these concepts written out, ready for me to be ready to take them on.

And then God returned with a vengeance.

As soon as he stepped back into my life about two weeks ago, my mind began to whirl with these “small voice” concepts, and God said, “So, what are we going to do about these things?”

And even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, God has carved out a small space of peace for my mind to think and begin to evaluate these concepts, make a DECISION about these concepts, and MOVE FORWARD in those decisions about these concepts.

It’s coming slowly, I have a decision made on one concept, working on another, but I know it will come.

What I realized this morning as I finally, after several months of low-level depression, decided to get myself back on the bike and start exercising again and taking care of myself is I am the center of my world – after God.

I AM the mediator to which God uses me to connect with others.

All my life I have worried about others at the detriment to myself.

I’ve watched others prosper while I emotionally ate, shrunk my God-given talents, and talked softly to avoid people seeing I deserved the spotlight, too.

And though I’ve helped many people prosper, I could have helped SO MANY MORE…AND…myself if I had fully embraced me and had taken care of me FIRST so that I was at my optimum level to be of service to people for God.

Today, I plan to start embracing ME more, loving ME more, supporting ME more so that at the end of the day, I am the strong (in faith, health, wealth, love) woman that my Father wants me to be.

If I’m not good to myself, how can I truly be good to others?

If you’re not good to YOURself, how can you truly be good to others?

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Tags: Faith, God, Love, Self-Esteem

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