July marks the second installment of CLG-E’s Once Upon a Time… podcast series.
This month, I’m showcasing three faith poems: “On Soft, Tender Knees,” “I’m Sorry,” and “Loose”!
You can listen below and also take the time to check out my podcast site (CLG-E Podcasts) for future podcasts on writing and storytelling!
Please leave comments – let me know your thoughts!
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Wrote this after reading Habakkuk 2:2-3.
On Tablets
I once had a tablet full of dreams,
but at my darkest hour, I snatched
it from its secret place and ripped
it to shreds, for dreams are for naught.
Naught for a person like me; others got
their shine, seemingly at the right place
at the right time while I stood in a grocery
line, making provisions for me and mine.
I was working my fingers to the bone,
making sure lights stayed on in the home
but not on me, not on me and my dreams
that I allowed to be ripped at the seams.
I was making sure everyone was okay while
I put a delay on me and my life ’til years
ticked by and I realized I had stood still
and took care of everyone else’s ills.
I was sick in my heart, mind, and spirit,
but had no one to hear it for they were
making plans, and moving on, and seeing
a future I helped to shed light on.
In my darkness, with nothing left for me,
I wrote visions on tablets to abet dreams
into fruition and show the devil he didn’t
have me because one light still beamed.
That one light, My Father, showed me dreams
had not died despite my darkest hour; seeds
I planted flowered into a beautiful garden
to tend, to mend the broken parts of me.
And those dreams upon tablets will keep me
when I can’t keep myself and will move me
when life keeps me still and will teach me
when others try to kill my spirit and hope.
And those dreams, those visions will come
at their appointed time, shouting their truth
for they don’t lie, and I will be there, smiling
and waiting for them to come to pass.
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But we’re not there for the heartache and heart break. We’re not there for the almost successes or the rejections or the nos or the try agains or the…and the list goes on.
After listening to Marvin Sapp’s “Never Would Have Made It,” I thought about my life in 2009. This time last year, I was in a major rut and so unsure what to do with myself. Well, I “knew” but I didn’t “know.” I KNOW you guys know where I’m coming from. I was planting a lot of seeds, but not seeing a lot of fruit. But I had hope. And I had God.
In the first four months of 2009, four of my five wants have come to pass (with the fifth trying to do its thang), and to me, as I experience this, it definitely feels like OVERNIGHT SUCCESS because one moment I felt down and out, and the next, blessings upon blessings were falling upon me like sweet rain quenching a drought.
But it wasn’t overnight success. Took me years..hell, almost two decades to get here…but I’m blessed to be here.
What I realized is it’s not about overnight success, it’s about how fast our God can move when there is an opening in our life for Him to move IN.
When I finally said (and meant it) “God, I’m done. Take the wheel, please,” He took it and drove me into a beautiful place.
And He can do the same for you…overnight.
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Written this morning while praying and thinking…
Life has a way of making you look all around – seeing what others are doing, seeing who’s keeping pace, seeing who’s sprinted ahead of you–leaving you in the dust.
Life has a way of making you worry – will you get all your bills paid, will you get that job to keep your house, will you have money to send your children to college, will you be able to retire and have something to live off of.
Life has a way of making you not see life – no time to stop and literally smell the rose, no time to look up into a blue-blue sky and marvel at its tranquil beauty, no time to look people in the eye and say, “I just wanted you to know I love you and appreciate you for being in my life.”
Life has a way of making you think you can’t win – your friends backstab you, your mate cheats on you, your bank account goes into the negative, your job decides to downsize, your mother takes ill and makes you remember that life on earth isn’t for always.
Life has a way of making you forget that you have already WON.
There is no need to look all around you as you run this race called life. No need to see where others are and how you measure up because in this race, you already have the gold medal; you’re just getting the opportunity to see how you win…not IF you’ll win.
There is no need to worry because though valleys in life are low, mountains are high and your win will have you on the highest mountain peak ever created.
There is no need to rush through life because face it, there is no guarantee how long you’re going to be on earth, so you might as well appreciate what’s around you, who’s around you while you can.
There is no need to think you can’t win because you have already WON. You are already the victor, the champion. You are already the head and not the tail.
You are already the captain of your destiny.
If you have faith.
If you walk in that faith.
If you remember who your Father is and remember He will never forsake you.
Life has a way of taking life from you, but with your Father, YOU become the embodiment of LIFE. You ARE the life. Grab yourself, love yourself, and thank your Father for allowing you to have the victorious life that is yours TODAY and ALWAYS — if you have the faith to claim it.
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This morning, I was on the bus, on my way to school, and I noticed I was frowning. I mean I could literally feel the furrow in my brow, my cheeks sag, the corners of my mouth nearly touch my chin.
And I was listening to my morning praise music at that! And I was happily feeling it inside, but you wouldn’t notice it from my expression.
It was as if my outward appearance forgot what it was like to smile, to feel happy, to walk in light, to see brightness in the world beyond just one footstep.
It saddened me – a lot.
Was getting off the bus to transfer onto another one, and someone touched me. Looked down and there was a man who I talked with a few days ago on the bus. At the time, he was really proud at the fact that
I taught at the university level. In his words, “We need more of us teaching our youth.”
He smiled, asked me how I was doing, and I was feeling (on the inside) good, so I said, “Great, and you?”
As I got onto the next bus, I saw this elderly man who rides the bus every morning with his radio in hand and heads to Mickey D’s for his coffee and morning chat with people.
I smiled at him, touched him, and said, “So how are you doing this morning, sir?”
And he just smiled and said, “Good, baby. How are you?”
And we had a short “how are you” conversation, and I sat.
We got off on the same stop, and we both headed to Mickey D’s together, and I held the door open for him and he touched my elbow and allowed me to move in front of him in line.
While I waited my turn, I realized that a big part of getting that outward happiness is the connections, the “touches” we make with others.
It doesn’t mean I have to make friends with everyone, but it does mean that I need to open my eyes and truly see what’s around me. There are others, like me, searching for their place in the world, and every once
in a while, it’s a blessing to have one of those people touch you just to say, “Hey, I’m here. I’m in the same boat. Take a ride with me for a spell.”
It’s part of the call from God for us to do this.
And it’s something I realized I needed to work on more. I give to others because it’s something God instilled in me. I feel, almost too real, for others because it’s something God instilled in me. But I want to learn, need to learn, hunger to learn to open my eyes and truly see God’s people so that I can connect with them and help others to find God.
And the thought of that actually just made me smile.
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Something’s been stirring within me for quite a while. Was hard to put a name on it because for two months now I’ve been wallowing in this self-pity, in this woest me life, in this where do I go from here, in this what’s my purpose existence.
I felt the stirring. Even in the physical pains that attacked me, even in my doubtful moments, even in the times when the last thing I wanted to do was lift my head and CARE about ANYTHING, I felt it.
The stirring.
And it was God. He had never left me even when I stubbornly wished he would. He never left me even when I had left myself.
Over the last week or two, happily, I began to hear him again. For the last two years, he and I had talked openly about everything. I know people thought I was crazy when sometimes I would go to do something, and I would hear God say, “No, not that, not right now,” and I would nod and whisper, “You’re right.” They had NO idea who I was talking to.
And I missed it. Missed the talking to my Father and his guidance in my life.
And I think, even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, he felt that missing, he knew I needed him back, thus he returned.
And he’s returned with a vengeance.
Even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, my small voice, the one that dwells in the pit of my gut, was making plans, trying to structure my life. There were things she wanted me to handle: my finances, my health, my relationship with God, my relationship with friends, my relationship with family, my romantic relationship, my career, my writing. She had these concepts written out, ready for me to be ready to take them on.
And then God returned with a vengeance.
As soon as he stepped back into my life about two weeks ago, my mind began to whirl with these “small voice” concepts, and God said, “So, what are we going to do about these things?”
And even in the middle of all the chaos I’ve felt in my life lately, God has carved out a small space of peace for my mind to think and begin to evaluate these concepts, make a DECISION about these concepts, and MOVE FORWARD in those decisions about these concepts.
It’s coming slowly, I have a decision made on one concept, working on another, but I know it will come.
What I realized this morning as I finally, after several months of low-level depression, decided to get myself back on the bike and start exercising again and taking care of myself is I am the center of my world – after God.
I AM the mediator to which God uses me to connect with others.
All my life I have worried about others at the detriment to myself.
I’ve watched others prosper while I emotionally ate, shrunk my God-given talents, and talked softly to avoid people seeing I deserved the spotlight, too.
And though I’ve helped many people prosper, I could have helped SO MANY MORE…AND…myself if I had fully embraced me and had taken care of me FIRST so that I was at my optimum level to be of service to people for God.
Today, I plan to start embracing ME more, loving ME more, supporting ME more so that at the end of the day, I am the strong (in faith, health, wealth, love) woman that my Father wants me to be.
If I’m not good to myself, how can I truly be good to others?
If you’re not good to YOURself, how can you truly be good to others?
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I didn’t have any resolutions going into this year.
Why?
Well, I was inundated with the heaviness of my life.
I’ve been so stressed about finances, about love, about relationships, about family, about friends, about health – about all the uncertainties of life and how they will all play out for me.
And those who know me from MySpace probably notice that I haven’t written a faith-based piece in quite a while either.
For the same reason.
I rang in 09 peacefully – by force, but soon all the heaviness of the world pressed itself upon my shoulders yet again, and that peacefulness was completely shattered.
Even with the hustle and bustle of life, I always managed to go into a new year with goals, with some sort of “This is a new year to do ‘it’ right,” whatever IT was.
This year – nada.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve been stressed by this. What in the world was I going to strive for?
And then a few days ago, it came to me – I’m going to strive to be better than I was the day before.
I’ve been telling myself that I must stop living in this earthly world, by earthly rules. January 1st of WHATEVER year does not dictate when goals and resolutions can be set, when I can get myself right.
Every day that I wake up is another new year for me, another year to get “it” right, to be a better person, an effective person in the world I live in.
It’s another year to grow closer to God, to thank Him for the trials that I – and I alone – put myself in, to thank Him for loving me regardless of the stupid things I do or think, and to thank Him for giving me another new year to get “it” right.
Despite all the stress that I’m still under, I am SO incredibly blessed, and even as I sit here in my office, tears in my eyes, wondering if I’ll even HAVE a job at this uni come the fall (another stressor), I know that my Father loves me, I know that I have friends who love me, I know that I have family that loves me, I know there is one who romantically loves me, I know that I have another day, another “year” to get “it” right and get it right in ways that me and my earthly mind can’t even fathom.
I pray that you all have a prosperous day, a prosperous year to get your “IT” achieved.
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The December 2008 issue of EMPOWERED Magazine features my article, “Overcoming the Devil.” You can subscribe to the magazine for FREE @ http://www.empoweredmagazine.com/.
I’m proud of this publication because EM is a wonderful magazine full of spirit, of love, of faith – and it has an AWESOME design.
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